BACON. JAM.

Hungry kittens--

Yeah, you read that title right. Bacon, as in, the candy of meats. Jam, as in, the candy of breakfast.

Sweet Tea Sis came up for a visit this past weekend, and apparently she shook the bacon tree (at Big Springs Trading Company) before she left, because...BACON. A ton of it. Seriously, Jen at Big Springs has the BEST bacon--her bacon comes from just down the road, and she smokes it and slices it right there in the restaurant. If you're looking for a chilled out vacation, head to the Ozarks, spend a day floating down the river, then have lunch or dinner at Big Springs. There's a ton of outdoorsy stuff to do, but a meal at Big Springs is a must.

Anyway, Jen sent my sister here with at least half a pig. So we made some bacon jam. Wanna make your own?  Here's how:

Cut 1 1/2 pounds of bacon into pieces. Cook in a dutch oven or any big ol' pan until browned, about 20 minutes. (If you use bacon from the grocery store, you'll get a lot more grease than if you get it from a place like Big Springs or a farm, but that's okay: bacon grease has a ton of delicious uses.)

Use a slotted spoon to transfer the bacon to some paper towels. Leave a tablespoon or so of bacon fat in the pan. Dice two medium yellow onions and about 3 garlic cloves, and cook 5-7 minutes, or until translucent.

Add some goop: 1/2 cup cider vinegar, 1/2 cup packed dark brown sugar, 1/4 cup pure maple syrup, and 3/4 cup brewed coffee (I use a fancy French brand called fol-zhay [spelled Folgers], but don't be embarrassed to just use what you have). Bring to a boil.

Add bacon and stir to combine. Transfer the mixture to a slow cooker.

Now cook it.

Cook it good.

Cook it on high until the liquid is thick and syrupy, 3 1/2 to 4 hours, stirring all along.

WARNING: Not everyone is a BACON JAM WARRIOR. Your ranks may be thinned as your bacon jam is a-cookin':

Anyway, remaining bacon jam warriors need to transfer the jam to a food processor. Whirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Cool, then package in jars. This recipe will fill about four eight-ounce jars. Refrigerate for up to four weeks. (Yeah. As if it won't be eaten by the end of day one.)

Stay tuned for Sweet Tea's next lesson in domesticity: How to Convince Your Husband to Hire a Cleaning Service, followed soon thereafter by How to Make a Store-Bought Dinner Look Homemade.

Until next time, kittens!

Kelly's Chocolate Chocolate Chocolate Cupcakes!

Chocolate-covered kittens--

Today is my dear friend Kelly's birthday. She's adorably cute, hilariously funny, and crazy hot. You know how women worry that they'll go to a party in the same dress some other skank woman is wearing? When Kelly and I first met, we noticed at the same time that our boots were identical. Instead of throwing a hard "bitch-I-will-cut-you-with-a-hot-razor" side eye, we said--at the exact same time--"You have excellent taste!" HUZZAH!!!

I could share other stories about Kelly (condoms from a gas station vending machine purchased after a rodeo in West Virginia, a road trip to South Carolina, and failed attempts to stop at a topless diner in North Carolina), but just know that she deserves something sweet on her birthday.

According to Kelly, there is only ONE flavor of cupcake: "chocolate, chocolate, chocolate!" Translation: chocolate cake, chocolate frosting, chocolate kiss.

Kelly's Chocolate Chocolate Chocolate Cupcakes

CUPCAKES:

1 3/4 cup all-purpose flour
2 cups sugar
3/4 cup cocoa powder
2 teaspoons baking soda
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon kosher salt
1 cup buttermilk, shaken
1/2 cup vegetable oil
2 eggs, room temperature
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 cup freshly brewed coffee, cooled to room temperature

Preheat oven to 350. Line 2 dozen cupcake holes with cupcake liners. In the bowl of an electric mixer with the paddle attachment, whisk together flour, sugar, cocoa, baking soda, baking powder, and salt. In another bowl, combine buttermilk, oil, eggs, vanilla, and cooled coffee. With the mixer on low, add the wet ingredients to the dry. Mix until incorporated.

Use a regular-size ice cream scoop to scoop batter into cupcake liners (I find that one scoop is just the right size). Bake one dozen at a time for 20 minutes or until done.

FROSTING:

12 ounces semisweet chocolate (equal to one bag chocolate chips)
3 sticks unsalted butter at room temperature
1 large egg yolk at room temperature
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
2 1/2 cups sifted confectioner's sugar
2 tablespoons instant coffee powder

Melt chocolate in 30-second increments in the microwave, stirring after each 30 seconds. Cool.

In a mixer, using the paddle attachment, beat butter on medium-high until light yellow and fluffy, about 3 minutes. Add the egg yolk and vanilla and beat for another 3 minutes. Turn mixer to low, slowly add confectioner's sugar, then beat at medium speed until smooth and creamy, scraping down the sides as necessary. Dissolve the coffee in 4 teaspoons of very hot tap water. On low speed, add chocolate and coffe to butter mixture. Spread on cupcakes.

TOP WITH A KISS!

(Note: You will get two dozen cupcakes out of this recipe if you can keep yourself from eating half the batter before it makes it to the oven, so keep that in mind. Also, I'm sure you could do worse than to make these for your piece for Valentine's Day. I mean, really, have you done anything else this year to deserve a good humping? I didn't think so. Put that apron on, bitch!)

ALSO: Check out these insanely cute cupcake liners I got at The Container Store (CONTAIN YOURSELF!):

They're marketed under the brand "Bake Me A Cake," but you just KNOW they wanted to call it "Bake Me A Cake, Bitch!"

Happy birthday, Kelly!!