Falcon Crest

Delicate little meadowlarks--

Because making big announcements just isn't my style, I haven't been shouting from the rooftops a recent significant development in my life: I bought a house. Just moved in and all, so my to-do list is pretty big. One of the things on my to-do list is replacing the light fixtures--they look like they came straight out of 1983, or off the set of "Falcon Crest." Falcon Crest, indeed...read on.

So there I was, unpacking/settling/organizing in the kitchen when Lucille The Attack Dog started barking at some sound coming from the fireplace in the front room. There was a crazy banging noise coming from up in the chimney, but I figured it was the wind.

Lucy The Attack Dog

Fast forward about an hour. My organizing had moved to the front of the house. I was standing there, hands on hips, staring right toward the fireplace where the noise had been, trying to decide whether I wanted to move the rugs around. And--I SWEAR--A BLACK BIRD SWOOPED RIGHT THE EFF OUT and started flying around. After flying back and forth between the two front rooms, it decided to land on the chandelier that hangs in the very front room, close to the fireplace.

Witness:

Try to see through your seething jealousy of my super-awesome brass-and-glass chandelier and focus on the story, kids.

Anyway, it was crazy. The bird flew back and forth between the two rooms. I screamed every time it swooped down to go from one chandelier to the other, Lucy was freaking out, and I just knew the bird was gonna shit all over everything.

The bird kept flying over to a window in the room I had first been standing in, but I didn't think I could open it--the previous owner had painted all the windows shut, and prying them open was something I planned to get to when the weather got warmer.

I opened the front doors. Lucy got all excited, so I put her leash on her to keep her under control. So there we were: me running from room to room, trying to shoo the bird out the doors, Lucy excited to be on her leash, barking up a storm, and the terrified bird threatening me with shredded feathers and shit splats, just wanting out.

I called Critter Control. Ol' girl said, "They can come out, but they'll charge you an arm and a leg. You should just open a door or window."

What do you think I did? I was not about to part with a damn dime to get rid of this bird. I let go of Lucy on her leash (front door still open), climbed up onto the windowsill, used my superhuman strength, and pried that painted-shut window open. (Side note: it was 27 degrees today!) After chasing the bird back and forth for a few more minutes, he finally flew out.

Here's what finally became the exit window. And again with the Falcon Crest chandeliers.

So I closed the window. Then I went to close the front doors. Then I realized I hadn't seen Lucy in a while. LUCY! I shouted her name down the street. I ran back in to put on my shoes. DON'T WORRY, LUCY, MOMMY'S ON HER WAY!

Then...look what came walking cautiously down the stairs:

"Oh...hey, mom. Is the bird still here? My was upstairs. Not because my was scared, but you were just doing such a good job and all...just wanted to be out of your way."