The Ol' Shanghai Surprise

It was 2013, and Destini hadn't been this excited since she'd passed her GED: her new restaurant, Peking House, was finally opening.

She'd come into a little bit of money when her boyfriend Enos gave her a POWER BALL for Christmas (the lottery ticket, you perv--not what you were thinking. Sheesh). It had always bugged her that Enos did his Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve down at the Kum-N-Go, but this time it worked out.

Destini and Enos spent the winnings judiciously: they became regulars on the NASCAR circuit, they were on a first-name basis with every employee of every Holiday Inn Express in the continental US, and they ate every meal at the Western Sizzlin. But one night, when a grease fire shut down the Western Sizzlin, Enos and Destini had no other options but the Grand Oriental Buffet.

Even though Destini had never had Asian food, she loved it immediately, and she knew right then how she would spend her windfall: she would open a Chinese restaurant that served not a big ol' buffet, but a delicious, focused menu of the finest American excuses for Chinese food this town had ever seen.

Opportunity met luck and Jesus' loss became Destini's gain when the First Church of the Last Chance World on Fire Revival and Military Academy lost its lease in the strip mall, right between the Ninety-Nine Cent Store and the Dollar General.

The Peking House was a success! Every night, every seat was filled as customers dined on Stinky Tofu, Caterpillar Fungus Duck, Five Colors Fish Cake, Beef Chow Fun, Fuqu Kitten, Deep Fried Fish Balls, Old Duck Stew, Sauteed Scrimps, and Dogpoo Pork.

Destini worked as the hostess, and Enos began to notice that one customer--Junior--seemed to be enjoying the Peking House a little too much, if I ain't bein' too subtle. Even though Destini assured Enos that there was nothing to worry about, Enos had a bad feeling about Junior. Never trust a guy named Junior, Enos always said. He will bang your girl and take your lottery money. 

One night, when Destini called and said she'd be working late, Enos jumped in his Silverado and screamed into the parking lot on two wheels. He checked the hostess table..nothing. He checked the dining room, then the kitchen...nothing. And then...he walked into the freezer...and there...on a box of frozen duck beaks...Junior Spudmaker was putting the ol' Hong Kong Ding Dong to the love of his life.

Enos couldn't think. He ran out of the Peking House, picked up three rocks, and took aim: