Which is the correct way to announce to someone that you ever so enjoyed seeing pictures of her and her new husband:
Earlene, I'm so pleased that you decided to share all the nudie pics of you and Cletus from your honeymoon on Facebook.
OR
Earlene, I'm so pleased that you decided to share all the nudie pics of you and Cletus from your honeymoon on the Facebook.
Also, when you've been scratching your balls and the itch just won't go away, do you search "itchy balls" on Google or the Google?
I'm asking because I say "the." A lot. I post naked pics on the Facebook and search "fried chicken and sweet tea diet" on the Google. I furnish my house with exclusive goods from the Wal-Mart and enjoy fine breakfasts from the IHOP.
You can imagine my happiness when I walked in to the Goodwill the other day and saw this handwritten sign on a whiteboard at the entrance:
If you were in the market for an RV (and don't lie--you totally are) and someone recommended Tom's RVs to you, you'd go there, right? It sounds like a good place. Tom sounds like a nice guy. Everything sounds reasonable about that. But would you go to Raper's RVs? Right. That's what I thought.
So please tell me, if you're in the RV business, and your first name is Tom and your last name is Raper, why wouldn't you just stick with Tom's RVs????
Go ahead. Dial 1-800-RAPER. I guarantee Chris Hansen will be at your door faster than you can say, "But she said she was 16!"
And then I saw this. At the drive-thru. Of a Long Dong Silver's. WHERE THEY SERVE FISH:
Not to sound too judgmental, but if you've got fish and seafood allergy and you're too stupid to avoid the Long Dong Silver's, then you deserve whatever reaction you get.
What can I say? The lure of the Long Dong is apparently tough to resist...
So there I was. At the Target. Christmas stuff as far as the eye could see. Except for this here lovely Hanukkah setup:
And I overheard two young, uh, ladies having the following conversation:
Young Lovely 1: Oooooh! Look at these notepads!
Young Lovely 2: And these plates! I love the blue!
Young Lovely 1, curiously stroking the menorah you see there on the top shelf: And check out this candle! Soooooo cool!
Young Lovely 2: Yeah, it's a Jewish candle or something.
Young Lovely 1: Makes me wish I were Jewish. I would SO be buying this stuff. If I were Jewish, I would buy everything here. It's all so cute!
And then, before I could get my free-with-contract phone out to take a picture (and, believe me, what a sight they were), it was too late. Like a couple of Gentile unicorns, they were off to spread fairy dust in the housewares section.
My annual satellite radio subscription was about to end, so the good folks at XM called to ask me if I'd like to renew for another year. Helpful, aren't they?
XM: So would you like to continue your subscription?
Sweet Tea: Yep.
XM: Okay, so that'll be $175. What type of card will you be using?
Sweet Tea: It's an American Exp...WAIT. What?! One-seventy-five? Did I really agree to pay that last year?!
XM: Hmmmm...let's see. No...it looks like you paid $99. But that was a special rate.
Sweet Tea: Well. If you're wishing for me to continue my subscription for $175, you can wish in one hand and crap in the other and see which gets filled first. Cancel.
XM: Are you sure you want to cancel? With XM, you get unlimited sports, music, talk, weather...
Sweet Tea: CANCEL. Cancel, cancel, cancel. All that's free on regular radio. And XM plays just as many commercials as anyone else these days. If you think I'm one of these yayhoos who has more dollars than sense, you can just think again.
XM: Okay, just let me transfer you to our cancellation department.
Sweet Tea: Don't bother. You tell the cancellation department. XM's not going to pawn it off on me--surely they pay someone out of that SEVENTY-FIVE PERCENT PRICE INCREASE to handle cancellations without having to waste my time...
XM: Cancellation department, can I help you?
*Crap! He just transferred me in the middle of my rant!*
Sweet Tea: I need to cancel my subscription.
XM: We're always sorry to lose a customer, but I can handle that for you. Can you tell me why you're leaving us?
Sweet Tea: Prices are ridiculous. Cancel. Cancel, cancel, cancel.
XM: Well...hold on...it looks like we have a special rate here of $89. With taxes and fees (Sweet Tea comment: Yeah. Right. Uh huh.), that comes to $99.
You know what ol' Sweet Tea needs right now? A motivational speech:
For what it's worth, I watch this video every single day. Sometimes it takes more than a nip o' gin to get me out of bed, y'know?
Share some o' that holiday spirit and forgive ol' Sweet Tea for her long absence. (If you're seriously pissed at me and you can't suffer through whatever it is I have to say, just skip to the end of this post for my cheap plea for forgiveness.)
Anyway...a couple of weekends ago, I headed down to my dear Aunt Cin's (Arkansas is in driving distance now, y'all!) for a Christmas Crafternoon--we were going to make wreaths out of Christmas balls. BALLS. Lots and lots of BALLS. Wreaths of balls. We had balls for days. Balls to the wall. (Seriously, we said balls all weekend in every conceivable way.)
The wreaths we had in mind took only three things: a coat hanger, ribbon, and BALLS. Shape a coat hanger into a circle, string it full o' balls, tie on some ribbon, and here you go:
Pretty cute, right?
Thing was, we had a TON O' BALLS left over. We were BALLS DEEP in balls.
You guys...we decided to make a tree o' balls. I'll spare you the details...here's the result:
Tragic, isn't it? Sweet mother of pearl, it looks like it has tits. Just look at it for a minute. Take it all in. Let it sink in. Be glad it's not in your house.
