Birthday Boys

What a day! Mark Twain AND Winston Churchill!

First, Twain (a good ol' boy from Missouri):

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.

Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed.

Familiarity breeds contempt. And children.

Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.

And now for some Churchill:

Never give in - never, never, never, never, in nothing great or small, large or petty, never give in except to convictions of honour and good sense. Never yield to force; never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy.

There are a lot of lies going around... and half of them are true.

In wartime, truth is so precious that she should always be attended by a bodyguard of lies.

I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.

However beautiful the strategy, you should occasionally look at the results.

There is nothing more exhilarating than to be shot at without result.

The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.

This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read.

Ocean Spray Recall

Dear pie-loving bleaders,

A few years ago, I started baking mincemeat pie for the holidays. Relax--there is no meat in my pie (heh heh)--it has a bunch of fruit, cooked in bunch of rum and apple cider until it's basically a very thick syrup, baked in a double crust. INSANELY good.

Anyway, I was going to bake one for my dear friend Michelle this weekend and I was planning to do a blog post here on Sweet Tea that included the recipe.

So there I was...at the grocery store. My recipe calls for dried currants, but they were out, dammit. So I settled for cranberries ("Craisins") and hoped for the best. AND THEN. This morning, I find this article saying that Ocean Spray Craisins have been recalled because of "hairlike metal particles." The fuck???

Here's my favorite quotation from the article (emphasis mine): "Ocean Spray announced the voluntary recall late Friday, the day after Thanksgiving, one of the most cranberry-centric holidays of the year. The company initiated the recall on Wednesday."

You don't have to be friggen Einstein to know how this played out, amirite??? If they initiated (which is code for "did nothing") the recall on Wednesday, then they had to have found out about it before then. But then they huddled with their accountants who confirmed that announcing that their product would tear through you like it has claws may not be so good for business. So they "initiated" the recall on Wednesday, took Thursday off (and you know good and well the fine folks at Ocean Spray didn't eat cranberries on Thanksgiving, while those of us who didn't have insider knowledge were eating it like goddamn refugees), and then announced on Friday: "SURPRISE! That blood in the toilet? That may not be Nana's punkin pie."

The thing that we all know, of course, is that we'd probably all do the same thing:


I want either less corruption or more opportunity to participate in it.



Peanut Gallery Comments

Tender young fawns...

A couple of months back, I picked up this here plant stand. Yes, someone had to die first (I didn't kill for it; I just bought it at an estate sale, smartass), but you probably figured that anyway. 

And I'm not sure what to do with it. I mean, I know where I want it (over there in the corner, just like where I spent most of my time as a child cuz I was a mouthy little piece):

The thing is, I usually paint wood stuff white (see that there side table). The exception is when the wood is a brown that I LOVE (like my bread bowl or my silverware drawers). And I can't decide if this makes the cut. And don't worry--I put something under the plant to protect the wood:

So my question is, do I paint the plant stand or do I leave it alone?

Oh, and sorry if this is the most boring post you've ever read. Sorry I don't sing and dance. Sorry I don't juggle. Sorry I'm a crappy entertainer. What am I, man? Your goddamn monkey? Your dancing bear? Your piano-playing dog?

;)

Hey There, Sports Fans!

Gentle bleaders--

Here's a little smattering of sports-related vanity plate humor for ya...

Ah, the Steelers fans. They're all up and down the Eastern Seaboard. Annoying as hell (but, then again, aren't most sports fans who carry their teams' flags long after the scoreboard lights have gone dark?) and also unoriginal. How do I know? Well, this dumb bastard is using 5s for Ss, and 3s for Es, which means that some other dumb bastard beat him to the "STEELRS" or "STEELRZ" or whatever other variation of this license plate there is--and there are a GAZILLION around here. You've all seen them, right? Worse, dumb fuck looks like he even bought his ugly-ass truck in a supporting color. Idiot.

The Washington Capitals. DC's only decent sports team *cough*thatchokeswhenitmatters*cough*. Maybe the owner of this license plate was challenging the Caps on all their regular season victories and then their playoff losses--maybe this license plate is supposed to read, "Caps! WTF?!" but the great state of Virginia wouldn't allow that, so they just had to settle for this license plate. Who knows? Who cares? Idiots all.

Who is the proud owner of the "FINS72" vanity plate? A (very) former Miami Dolphin who squandered all his 1972 paycheck on booze, bitches, and brats (the insurance policy of athlete-following hos everywhere), leaving him with barely enough cash to be ballin' around town in this super-sexy Honda Civic? Or is it some die-hard who just can't let go of an undefeated season that happened forty fucking years ago? Let it go, Fins fan--football seasons are longer these days. Just ask Patriot fans. 

"FDA1AS"? F DALLAS? FUCK DALLAS? Jesus H.!! Fucking Redskins fans (and their team-color cars. What is it with these dicks?). What's that, you say? There's a Redskins/Dallas rivalry? I hadn't heard. (SARCASM, kids.) Maybe back in the day this rivalry meant something, but now? People need to quit trying to make this shit happen. I'm so over the "H8 ROMO" license plates and the "Dallas Cowgirls" sweatshirts. I mean, THIS nastyfatfuck is the most visible member of the Dallas coaching staff:

And THIS is the Redskins head coach, whom I saw a few months back in a restaurant in Leesburg, and bitch was sunk down in his seat in the farthest corner of the restaurant while wifey desperately tried to sit there and look dignified (holy shit, that guy was TAN--and it was February):

Who cares enough about these pukes to put ANYTHING that draws attention to their causes on your license plates??? Way to keep it klassy, Skins fans.

Oh, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups...

How you tempt me!

I guess it's not enough anymore that Reese's makes the absolute best ice cream in the world:

This stuff is about as safe in my house as a little boy in a Penn State shower or Neverland Ranch.

Reese's also makes these delightful little disks of ice cream deliciousness:

Jesus. I need a cigarette just looking at that picture.

AND! Look what I happened upon when I was at the CVS the other day:

Look closely, kids...there's A POUND of goddamn chocolate and peanut butter in there...

Perfect for all your holiday engagements! Show up with these and slice them like a friggen pie.

In addition to offering chocolate/peanut butter deliciousness, the good folks at Reese's also have a sense of humor:

Are they mini? Or are they king size? When I get a fat ass from gobbling these things, do I get to sue the Reese's folks, saying (a la Jerry Seinfeld and his "But it's a Junior Mint!" line), "But they were mini Reese's!"???

Who's hungry?

Back in Business

Sweet bleaders--

Remember how I told you that I was going to give Lucy Goosey a break from blogging, but after that I was going to beat her little ass into submission so that she would start posting regularly again? Well, I did, so we're back. Don't believe me? Here's a pic of me teaching her a lesson (WARNING: GRAPHIC):

Just so you know, in case that looks like a tummy rub, it's not. It's a Michael Vick-style smackdown. Little girl knows that if she gets out of line and doesn't get her furry little ass busy on some blog updates, THAT IS IT! I run a tight ship, people.

Look at the fear here, dear:

"No, mommy! Please! Don't beat me again!"

And what about this? Trying to look all chilled out, as if she doesn't live in bone-chilling fear every minute, typing furiously, trying like hell to publish another blog post, lest she be getting the back of my hand for dinner:

Just look at the fear in those eyes.

And for those of you who've asked, Lucy is a little "cocktail dog": a Cavachon. A little of this and a little of that. Specifically, her daddy was a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel...

...and her mommy was a Bichon Frisee...

And what do you get when you combine a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel and a Bichon Frisee? All together now, class: A Cavachon Goose!

Christmas Comes Early This Year

Dear bleaders (BLog rEADERS),

Your faithful Sweet Tea is indeed blessed to have been given a sister who is so sweet, so funny, so loyal, and so very dear that to imagine any greater gift would be unthinkable. And yet--though I may tempt the gods by saying so--it is indeed my reality.

There are her chirruns--whom we'll call J, Other J, and A--and then there is her hubs, Big J (as A calls him). What a doll. What a dear. What a gift.

Speaking of gifts, please allow me a short tangent. Gifts: I want them ONLY if someone sees something and thinks of me OR if it is handmade. I DO NOT want a gift just because the calendar says it's a gift-giving holiday. Period. My loved ones are few but true and they have nothing to prove.

WELL. Apparently, Big J has been reading this here blog and paying close attention because, friends, I just got a package in the mail from him that included Christmas gifts even better than ones I would've picked for myself. Witness:

These Christmas ornaments look like they were made for me! I love them SO much! Like I done told ya, these are as good as or better than ones I would've picked out for myself. I. am. in. love.

And check out this ornament:

Could you die???

And--this is just gorgeous--a violin with a case!

I know what you're thinking, and the answer is no, it does not really play. I tried to pluck out a little tune on the strings, and no dice.

Given my domestic situation this year, I was wondering if I should put up a tree and/or decorate at all. Big J's gift reminded me how much I love Christmas and let me know that I'd be miserable passing up decorating. I'll be putting up a tree very soon, and I'm so happy to say that all my "new" ornaments will be making their appearance.

Thanks for Sticking With Me

My dear little darlings,

I know posting hasn't been what it once was here lately. Maybe if Lucy would get off her lazy little ass and start typing...

I swear. I pay all this money for an attack dog, and this is what I get. Ol' girl who sold me Lucy said, "Oh, yes, yes. Not only is she a fierce little motherfucker who'll rip the balls off of anyone stupid enough to try to mess with you, but she's also an excellent cook, hostess, and blogger."

Yeah, right, lady. While Lucy is indeed a ferocious little beast (thank God--I live in a very dangerous neighborhood), she has yet to do so much as meet me at the door with a goddamn cocktail at the end of the day, much less host a friggen party. Damn! But ol' girl was right about the blog...Lucy has kept it going up until this week pretty well.

So I've decided to take it easy on her until after Thanksgiving. Give her a little break, you know. Then, I told her furry little ass, next week. Next week, I said, those blog posts better start showing up on the regular, or IT IS YOUR ASS, little dog!!!

Apple Pecan Pie Cake

When I still had apples coming out of my orifices (*snort*) from my Columbus Day apple-picking, I baked yet another apple creation. It’s called Ozark Pudding (a lovely reference to my once and future home), but you could call it Apple Pecan Pie Cake if you wanted to remove all doubt of what it tastes like.

Ozark Pudding

• 1/4 cup all-purose flour
• 1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
• 1/4 teaspoon salt
• 2 eggs
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 1 cup sugar
• 1 cup finely chopped pecans or walnuts
• 1 cup finely chopped firm, tart apples (such as Granny Smith or Honeycrisp)
• Sweetened whipped cream (optional)

Heat the oven to 350 degrees F. Generously grease an 8x12-inch biscuit pan, a 9-inch square pan, or an 8-inch square or round cake pan.

Combine the flour, baking powder, and salt in a small bowl using a fork.

In a medium bowl, beat the eggs well with a mixer until they become pale yellow, smooth, and thick. Add vanilla, then the sugar in 3 batches, beating well and scraping down the bowl often. Sprinkle in the flour mixture, stirring in only until the flour disappears. Gently fold in the nuts and apples, just until evenly mixed.

Scrape the batter into the prepared ban and bake for 25-30 minutes, until puffed, golden brown, and pulling away from sides of pan. Serve warm or at room temperature, with sweetened whipped cream, if you like.

I ate my first serving from a dish like a civilized person. It was so good, though, that I decided to change into some sweatpants and just gobble from the trough eat from the pan. Confession: I finished it off straight out of the pan. Not all at once, mind you--just a spoonful here and there until it was gone and I had to waddle my fat ass away.

Bottom line: If you're looking for an alternative to pumpkin or pecan pie, you could do a lot worse than Ozark Pudding this Thanksgiving.

A-Stitchin' and A-Bitchin'

My little velveteen bunnies,

Sweet Tea has been on a much-needed semi-sabbatical, so please accept my most earnest apologies for the lack of posts. Let's just say that the Sweet Tea has been spiked sweetened with a little more than sugar these last few days, if I ain't being too subtle.

Anyway. Been doing a little sewing. Told my sister I'd make her an apron much like one she already had, which was adorbs. I secretly hoped I could do better. So I set out to find a pattern and some fabric that would make her squeal with glee. We both have taste that is big on what I call the "cute factor." It's kind of hard to define in concrete terms, but, much like porn, you know it when you see it. I was on a mission.

I decided on Butterick 5474 (which was a full apron, similar to what she already had), but I also couldn't resist Simplicity 2592 (a half-apron), a re-issue from back in the day. God, how I love vintage-y shit (why, yes, I am feeling quite elegant with my word choices right about now). I don't know what made me this way. Whatever it is, stuff from the late 40s through the early 70s gets me every time:

Cute, right? And I found some bright pink fabric with white polka dots and lime green trim. Here's Melissa looking insanely gorgeous in the full apron. Can I get a witness?!

I swear, she could bake me a Shit Pie wearing that thing, and I'd gobble it down with a smile on my face. You just know that any girl wearing that is going to serve you tea as thick as syrup and she could make roadkill taste like goddamn filet mignon.

And here's Amelia, WERQing the shee-yat out of the half-apron:

Action shot. How sweet is this? Girlfriend could be a-reachin' in that canister for clumps of pig shit and you'd be three chews into your fifth clump before you realized you were eating porcine feces:

Not to be outdone, Auntie Em, in a desperate bid for relevance and attention, pretends to demonstrate part of the sewing process, just to be featured on her own blog. Zoolander Face in da house! Huzzah!

Seriously, though, if you give an eff, that's the practice apron I made out of muslin, just to make sure I knew what I was doing. Maybe you can or can't tell, but I marked notes to myself all over it and the edges aren't finished. The point is just to familiarize yourself with the pattern and make any adjustments before you cut into the actual material you're sewing with.

HOPEFULLY my next sewing project update will be Lucy's Christmas dress--fingers crossed, y'all!

Den of Iniquity

Aaaaaannnnndddd...I'm back. Took the weekend off from this very serious blog pursuit here, so sue me.

I bet you're wondering what awesomely fascinating topic I'll be writing about today! You're thinking to yourself, "I bet it's hella good, because she's taken some time off, so she's refreshed and totally OVER those ridiculous license plate posts and the insufferable around-the-castle posts."

WARNING: If that's what you're thinking, you should probably stop reading now. You've been warned.

Soooo...my bed size is a Queen. (Of course.) My flat sheets are all queen-sized and fit perfectly fine. And my fitted sheets are all queen-sized and fit just fine. And my duvet and duvet-covers are all queen-sized and...they're too small:

In this pic, the pillows are off to the side to show that the duvet is pulled up all the way to the top of the bed. AND IT DOES NOT REACH THE BOTTOM. And the sides are barely covered. Dammit! Beds are a lot deeper/thicker than they used to be, methinks.

So I finally went out and got a king-sized duvet and duvet cover. Success!

I got the duvet at Bed, Bath, and Friggen Beyond, and I got the duvet cover at Macy's. Guess what I also picked up at Macy's... A BABY! Really--they were on sale!

Happy Veterans Day

Today is the day we say thank you to all the men and women who've served. As a veteran, I certainly appreciate your thanks, but--being the practical girl I am--I can assure you there are ways to say thank you without ever uttering the words "thank" or "you." Let's see...there's, uh, cold hard cash, and, uh, let me see, a fancy dinner, or new clothes. Or even just oral. Whatever you can give. And thanks for your support.

From the License Plate Files

WHY do folks need vanity plates?

Because HOTDAMN was taken:

Because people can't figure out that YOU are driving a JEEP without your helpful fucking license plate:

Because you're too classy to cover your car with UVA bumper stickers:

Because people couldn't tell by your Texas plate and your Obama bumper sticker that you're a TEXDEM:

Because some folks just need some encouragement:

Sewing for Bay-Bay

Ol' girl at work is having a bay-bay and we're throwing a little shower for her in the office, and I decided to make her little bay-bay some blankets. Check 'em out:

There's a pink polka dot:

And pink and blue diamonds:

And pink and brown polka dots:

And little pink baby buggies:

They're a really soft cotton flannel, and they're about 3 feet x 4 feet each. Because I combined sales AND a coupon, I paid about $18 for all the material and thread and the gorgeous pink wrapping ribbon. Hooray!

And, because every effort needs an experienced project manager with a proven background for success, I did all the cheap labor under Lucy's trained and watchful eye:

Politicians: Always Good For A Laugh

Voters--

Don't forget to head out to the polls today!

"UPS and FedEx are doing just fine, right? It's the Post Office that's always having problems." --Barack Obama, attempting to make the case for government-run healthcare

"You cannot go to a 7-11 or a Dunkin' Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent...I'm not joking." --Joe Biden

"As for that VP talk all the time, I'll tell you, I still can't answer that question until somebody answers for me what it is exactly that the VP does every day." --Sarah Palin, July 2008

"I'm the commander--see, I don't need to explain--I do not need to explain why I say things. That's the interesting thing about being president." --George W. Bush

"It depends on what the meaning of the word 'is' is." --Bill Clinton, providing grand jury testimony

Balm For Your Black Heart

Young fawns,

Has the world been a cold, cold place today? Is your boss an asshole? Is traffic un-goddamn-bearable? Do you struggle with the meaning of it all? Has your team not won since you don't know when? Have you not gotten laid good and proper in forever? Are you starting to look like your driver's license picture? Have the scales not been kind? Have you found another grey hair? Is that itch not going away? Are you as helpless as a frightened young kitten in the middle of a nightmare that just won't end?

Let me hold you:

DC Big Flea (What I Dragged Home)

Kittens,

I've got tons o' pictures of crap I didn't buy at the DC Big Flea (which I will blog about, because that stuff is way more fascinating than what came home), but this is the story of the stuff I did buy. If you want the short story, I basically bought three things: wall sconces, jewelry, and kitchen stuff. If you want the long story, read on. Also, I'm including prices not to be tacky, but because people always seem to have a curiosity about prices when it comes to secondhand stuff.

Wall sconces. These may look like wood, but they're plaster. Ol' (fuh-laaaayyyy-ming gay) boy who sold them to me said they came off a building being demolished in New York somewhere. They were gray--not white--when I bought them. I cleaned them with a toothbrush, then cotton swabs, then I vacuumed them with the brush attachment. They were very dirty, and not in a good way, if I ain't bein' too subtle. ($130 for pair)

I decided to hang them on either side of the Arkansas map I showed in an earlier post. Here's a shot looking up the stairs...

And looking down:

Jewelry. Or, more specifically, brooches. I love these things and I wear them so often that people ask me where my brooch is when I'm not wearing one. ($10 each; redbirds $15)

Here's an owl:

And a ballerina:

And a reindeer (SO much cuter than a hideous Christmas sweater or a--GOD FORBID--Santa hat. Vom):

And the absolutely unbelievably adorable two little redbirds, sitting on a branch, with four Christmas ornaments dangling underneath:

Even when I'm not wearing them, I get to enjoy them because, except for necklaces, I keep my jewelry in dishes on top of my dresser. How pretty is this?

Kitchen stuff. It's just a set of little covered glass dishes with an adorable design on the outside in this really pretty turquoise (a tie for my favorite color, along with pink). As soon as I saw them, I knew right where they'd find a home. ($20 for the pair)

My salt container is hideous. It's always bugged me, but not really enough to take any sort of action. It's a recycled peppercorn jar, plastic, with half the label torn off. The reason I kept it around was because of its perfect size. I can be a sucker for function and practicality to a fault, although you could say the same thing about my weakness for cute stuff with no function whatsoever. I'm hopeless.

Anyway, here's what a little chunk of my countertop looked like with my old, ugly salt holder. See how it sticks out like a sore thumb?

Not only is this a better container for my salt, it's MUCH better for pepper. I have ground some pepper in there so that I can just reach in and get some without having to grind it as I use it.

And that is it. That's everything I bought, not counting the cinnamon-coated almonds I bought upon arrival at the concession stand. Have you ever smelled those things? I walked in and the smell was EVERYWHERE and I was powerless. But I digress.

A note: I did not pay the marked price for anything I bought. Maybe it's the economy or maybe the vendors are easing up, but haggling isn't usually done until the last day of the DC Big Flea. In any case, I was well served every time I said, "Is this your best price, dick?"

Be on the lookout for other stuff from the Big Flea. I had my free-with-contract camera phone out, and I wasn't afraid to use it! Stay tuned!