Home Is Where The Kum & Go Is

Spring daffodils--

Do you ever want to just get out of town? Hit the road? Say to The Man, "Kiss my ass, cowboy," and then walk the hell out?

Me too. And I know just where I want to go. Not Vegas--the bright lights give me seizures. Not the Bahamas--sand in my ass crack makes me cranky. Not the mountains--I don't want to have to build a bear-icade around my house just to sleep at night.

No, kittens. The place hollerin' my name, tellin' me it's suppertime is the great state of Arkansas.

For the best weekend of your life, start off by heading out to Fred's Fish on Main Street Mammoth Spring on a Friday night. If you love catfish, hushpuppies, and pickled green tomatoes, you could do a lot worse:

Spend the day Saturday having a picnic and swimming at the river. (Lesson learned: swimming with kids is a lot less about "swimming" and a lot more about "trying not to drown"):

If, like me, you have a nephew who knows no fear, you can jump off a 40-foot cliff with him.

True story: a snake and a beaver were swimming through the water below us before I jumped. DOD said, "That snake don't want nuttin' to do with you. Go ahead and jump. But that beaver's a mean sumbitch. He'll getcha." Thanks for the pep talk, DOD:

When Saturday night rolls around, it's time to get crazy, kids! You can go to the Ernie Biggs Dueling Piano Bar (HOLLA!) or the Rowdy Beaver:

And on Sunday, it's time to worship. Fact: Jesus lives in the South, y'all.

I recommend gettin' your worship on in Flippin. You've got your choice of the Flippin Church of Christ, Flippin First Baptist, or the Flippin Church of God:

And if you run low on supplies at any time, worry not. Arkansas is home to the largest corporation on the planet: Wal-Mart. Wherever you go, there is sure to be a Wal-Mart Drive within spittin' distance:

And every now and then, you may just need to fill up on gas, grab a quick snack, and take a piss in the most regal bathroom in the world. Kittens, I present to you an Arkansas classic, the Kum & Go:

All the other weekends of your life can just bow down, because a weekend in Arkansas will surely be superlative. How soon can you be packed?