The Greatest Story Ever Told

Bow down, kittens. The Queen of Fucking Fantasticka is in da house!!!

Five years ago this weekend, on February 5th, 2007, I heard the story of Lisa Nowak, the astronaut who strapped on a pair of diapers and drove from Texas to Florida to confront her boyfriend's lover. As soon as I heard the story, I said, "I realize it's only February, but I'm gonna call this one early: best story of 2007."

Yeah, right. This is the best story ever. EVER.

There are two kinds of people in the world, kids: those who think Queen Lisa is nuttier than a squirrel turd and those who bow down so fast we get whiplash. Bitch is as awesome as they come, and this weekend is your chance to recongnize!

It's like this. You and me, we have average jobs and average titles and average lives. What do our business cards say? Analyst? Associate? Executive? YAWN. Miss Lisa was a goddamn rocket scientist kids--a fucking astronaut. While you and I endured our daily commutes in stop-and-go traffic, Queen Lisa was training for a goddamn space mission.

And have you ever been dumped? Me too, man. This one time, I totally came home to something I wasn't expected to be home for. And what did I do? Moped around the house in the same pair of sweats for, like, ever. OD'ed on peanut butter cup ice cream. Listened to Celine Dion for a solid six months. Pfft. Miss Lisa put her "Smack A Bitch Up" mix tape in the cassette player, strapped on a diaper, packed a sack lunch, and then headed cross-country to confront the trick who done stole her man. Boo! Hiss!

At some point during the drive from Texas to Florida, your sister would've called to check in on you. Once you told her of your genius plan, she would've said, "GURL. Turn that car around, take that piss-soaked diaper off, and get your ass home THIS MINUTE!" But your sister don't know shit about the commitment it took for Miss Lisa to put the pedal to the metal and keep on keepin' on!

And while we're discussing our inadequacies...what do you look like, anyway?

Yeah, that's what I thought. Queen Lisa:

Unless you manage to happen on a basket full of puppies doing somersaults in a field of daisies, good luck finding anything more adorable than our Queen of INSANE-ly Adorable.

The way I see it, Lisa Nowak is a wild stallion in a world of trained ponies. We need to show some respect where respect is due.

What will YOU be doing to celebrate Queen Nowak's cross-country ride this weekend?