Home Repairs: Why I Drink

Oh, kittens.

Take my advice: never have any kind of work done around the castle unless your home bar is fully stocked.

The time had come for me to get a new washer and dryer. I went to The Gettin' Place, picked out my washer and dryer, and scheduled delivery. Out with the old:

Fancy, right? Nuttin' but the best for ol' Sweet Tea. I came home from The Gettin' Place and said goodbye to my old washer/dryer by enjoying a celebratory glass of champagne that I bought at the Wal-Mart for two bucks a can.

A week later, the delivery dicks showed up. I was as excited as a kid at Christmas--I'd saved up a week's worth of laundry just to celebrate! I watched breathlessly as the delivery yayhoos hauled away my old washer and dryer. But then...tragedy struck. The Gettin' Place included the wrong mounting unit (heh heh heh), and it would be a few days before the delivery yayhoos could come back. I chugged a box o' wine, cup by styrofoam cup, and gazed regretfully at my growing pile of laundry.

A few days later, the delivery dicks came back with the correct mounting unit. But whatever piece of shit owned this place before me decided that the hot water hose needed to stay where it was TIL THE END OF FUCKING TIME and permanently attached the hose to the spout. No delivery. Time to call the plumber. And kill a bottle of Thunderbird.

After the plumber walked away with a hefty fucking ransom, I called The Gettin' Place back. Could they please send the delivery pukes? Again? Now that I hadn't had clean panties for a week?

FINALLY. Three weeks after the process began, I got my new washer/dryer. Lucy was about to shit herself over all the excitement going on with the delivery. I put her in my bedroom and shut the door, but bitch wasn't havin' it (bitch is a technical term here--she's a dog--so relax). To keep her occupied and out of the way, I let her into the back yard for the duration of the delivery.

It was over. I was spent. After three weeks of bullshit, alcohol could no longer help me. I needed to know the world was a safe place. I needed to hold and be held. I needed something soft, cuddly, and lovey--I needed my Goose.

I went outside to retrieve her, and...let's just say that she had a really good time out in the backyard:

I JUST ABOUT SHIT A KITTEN.

Somebody get me my Mad Dog 20/20.