For one thing, I'm not spending my money just to give away candy to some little bastard I don't even know who's wearing a Snooki get-up. I wake up at an ungodly hour and sit chained to a desk all day, playing office (a condition not to be confused with actual work or production of anything useful) to "earn" the money it would cost to buy cavity-inducing candy for a bunch of little monsters I have no connection to. How does that make any sense whatsoever?
For another thing, kids don't wear homemade costumes anymore. NOTHING beats a kid in a homemade costume, and CERTAINLY not some shit that cost $29.99 at goddamn Target. And spare me the shit about not enough time and blah blah...bullshit. My mom was working three friggen jobs when she dusted my hair with powder to make me a gray little grandma, and she sewed my sister into her Little Red Riding Hood costume as she was wearing it. Where there's a will, there's a way, people, and I'm not giving your greedy little ass shit if you can't even put in a minimum of effort to come out begging for candy. Lazy little bastards.
And for yet another thing, kids aren't even kids at Halloween anymore. They're goddamn teenagers, the greedy little motherfuckers. If your age ends in -teen, stay the hell home. Better yet, get a job so you can buy your own candy. Furthermore, not only do teenagers not have homemade costumes (see above), but they don't even wear costumes at all. They show up in jeans and sweatshirts, carrying a goddamn pillowcase full of practically-stolen candy, shove it in your face, and demand that you feed the Halloween beast. Fuck you, you entitled little piece of shit. Here, have a piece of dog shit. How's that?
Resolution: Starting tomorrow, I'm going to start saving up all of Lucy's droppings to hand out next year to anyone unlucky enough to come looking for a Halloween morsel. Next year's Halloween collection starts in 3...2...
And happy Halloween.
A-fucking-MEN!!!
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