Cock

My delicate little flower petals--

Like the width of my ass during these precious holidays, my vocabulary is expanding. Not with a word I didn't know before; it's an old favorite used in a new way. Cock.

First, let's discuss a couple of ways that we're already familiar with cock. These are just some of the ways I loved cock already, before I learned to love cock in a new way.

Verb: You can cock your head to the side:

Or, in tender, private, special moments, you can cock the one you love.

Noun: You can build a giant cock in the snow:

Interjection: Say you're in a very serious meeting at work. Someone says, "We really need to improve our production output this quarter. Does anyone have any suggestions?" Just as someone says, "I was thinking maybe we could..." you pipe up and yell, "COCK!" and sit back and smile, watching the discomfort spread through the room.

(I made that last one up, of course, but don't act like you don't love the idea.)

And I'm sure you can come up with plenty of other examples on your own.

But today I'd like to focus on using cock as an adverb. See, I recently started watching "Bewitched" on DVD and ohmygodILOVEthatshow!!! Anyway, there's a neighbor, Gladys...

...and she is convinced that Samantha is a witch (SPOILER ALERT, bitches: Samantha is a witch). And Gladys's husband, Abner (two hottest names EVUH), thinks that Gladys is being absurd. In a scene that I had to rewind about a thousand times, Abner tells Gladys that she's just imagining things, and she demands to know how he's so "cock sure" that he's right. Cock. Sure. REWIND. Cock. Sure. REWIND. Cock. Sure.

"Cock sure": the phrase that fucking pays!!! AHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!! "Cock" has now replaced "damn," "very," "effing," and any other adverb used for emphasis in my vocabulary!

Am I excited to have a new phrase? Cock right, I am! Do I really think it's a good idea to use bad language in public? I'm cock certain! How do I like my steak? Cock bloody!

Imagine all the cock ways you can use this word! What's so great is that the word itself is cock familiar, but the usage is so cock uncommon, people won't know quite what to think of it.

Bring on the bewildered cock glances!