Ice Cream Snuggie

My shiny little bits of tinsel,

The gift-giving season is in full swing. Why, just this past weekend, as I was stuck in traffic, cursing under my breath the entire time because MOTHER OF GOD is every single person in the fucking world scrambling to go shopping or what??? out and about, I was thinking of the song "Silver Bells":

     City sidewalks, busy sidewalks,
     Dressed in holiday style
     In the air there's a feeling of Christmas.
     Children laughing, people passing,
     Meeting smile after smile,
     And on every street corner you hear
     Silver bells, silver bells...

Only that's not how it is at all, amirite??? Christmas trees have been up since before Halloween, bitches are camping outside of goddamn Wal-Mart after Thanksgiving and fucking pepper spraying each other to save twenty measly dollars on some soon-to-be-outdated electronic piece of shit that's made by Chinese orphans, and ungrateful little mongrel children are getting friggen iPads for Christmas! Our lord and savior was born in a friggen manger and crucified on a cross and this is how we honor him on the day of his birth? Nice. Real nice. Thanks for all that hardship and stuff you suffered for us, Jesus.

Here's a better idea. Leave the car in the garage. Put on some Christmas music. Get the fireplace going. Mix yourself a cocktail or three. You're going to make something.

Surely you know someone who loves ice cream, right? There are so many great flavors: Dulce de Leche, Chocolate Peanut Butter, and Schweddy Balls. And who doesn't love to eat out of the carton? Well, here's a little snuggie for your ice cream and a snuggie for your ice cream spoon:

I found the mini spoon (maybe a baby spoon, maybe demitasse--don't know) at an estate sale for $1. (I love giving gifts I buy at estate sales. "Someone had to die so you could have this," seems so much more sentiment-filled than, "Here, look what I found at Target." That's love right there, folks.) Seemed like a good companion for the ice cream.

The fabrics don't match, but I thought they looked cute together. And I certainly didn't come up with the idea for either of these things: go here for ice cream snuggie directions (there's also a soda can snuggie set of instructions), and here for instructions on making the bag for the spoon. A sewing machine certainly makes things easier, but these are so small that you could just make them with a needle and thread, you lazy piece of crap.

And--even though I am a hateful and selfish wench--I can be coaxed into making you one of these if you want one. But you have to ask me nicely. And pay me with fried chicken. NON-negotiable, you cheap piece. Just let me know.