Offensive Language

Tender kittens--

Here's a little smattering of language that's been fingernails down the chalkboard of my delicate ears lately:

Amazing: People use this word to mean great, fantastic, better than good. And they use it all the fucking time. But 1) "amazing" can just as accurately be used to describe something bad as it can be used to describe something good, and 2) if you're using it more than, say, once a day, then whatever you're decribing isn't amazing at all--it's commonplace. If you're looking for a word besides "good" or "great" and the best you can do is "amazing," please allow me to recommend a little book called "The Saurus." It's got all kinds of amazing synonyms in it. Zzzzzzzzzzzing! I'll be here all week, folks!

Literally: Idiots use this word to mean "very," but anyone with a sixth-grade education should know that it means the opposite of "figuratively." When you're nervous and you say that you feel as if your heart's about to beat out of your chest, we all understand that you are speaking figuratively. But when you say that, literally, you feel as if you're heart's about to beat out of your chest, well, then, people just assume you're stupid. (Why don't you just use "cock" instead?"

Lame: So there I was. Doing some fancy schmancy shopping at the Target when I encountered Douchey Dad, out shopping with his two young children, and he used the word "lame" in such a way that it made me want to rip his testicles right off.

His daughter was pushing his son along in the cart. Douchey Dad was walking in front. (Mom, no doubt tired of spending her weekends with this oxygen thief, elected to stay home, apparently.) The little girl wanted to push the cart faster and her father kept telling her that she could not.

(Side note: I believe there's a special place in hell for people who will argue loudly with their children in public. Not only are they annoying everyone around them, but they're teaching their children that it's perfectly acceptable, thus ensuring the perpetuation of the nastiness. Arguments should be saved for the privacy of your own home, an environment more conducive to hiding a body without arousing suspicion.)

Anyway, daughter says to Douchey Dad, "Daddy, I'm going to push the cart into you!" And Douchey Dad, sipping his Starbucks and responding in the most ask-me-if-I-give-an-eff tone ever, says...

"That would be really lame if you hit me."

Now you just KNOW that I wanted to get in the middle of this shit and say to the daughter, "Don't take that shit from Douchey Dad! Tell him that maybe you'd consider behaving if he had half a fucking vocabulary! Go on--shove that front wheel right up his ass!"

But I didn't. Like a loser, I just pulled out my fancy free-with-contract phone and snapped his douchey picture for all you good people to enjoy. You're welcome.