The Holiday Party

Festive young fawns,

Sweet Tea is concerned. It's likely that your workplace is having a holiday party in the near future, and I'm seeing these Do and Don't lists popping up everywhere, telling you how you should behave at these mandatory functions with people you wouldn't even be talking to if you didn't work with them joyful opportunities to share some holiday cheer with your esteemed colleagues.

Allow me to address these Do and Don't lists, point by shitty, erroneous, who writes this stuff? point. Here's a smattering of what the "experts" say, followed by my sparkling, lucid rebuttals.

Don't assume you can skip the holiday party. Bullshit. Assume all you want. They hired you for your out-of-the-box thinking (hell, they probably even used that godless term when they handed you your welcome packet). They wanted someone who wasn't just a sheep, a follower. For all you know, this holiday party is one big test to see who in the company is Rudolph (leader of the pack) and who are the others (no one remembers their names). Be Rudolph, bitch. While everyone else is faking pleasant conversation and under-tipping the poor bastard at the bar, you'll be at home, on the couch, in your footed jammies, drink in hand, watching Elf. They've forgotten why they hired your rebel ass--remind them.

Don't dress provocatively. I hope this is a joke. If we're not supposed to dress provocatively at the holiday party, then I'd like to know what the hell else I'm supposed to do with my Mrs. Claus's Ho Ho Ho Sister outfit. That I bought for $9.99. At the Costume Barn. At the day-after-Halloween sale. Look, the invitation said "festive," and if a tinsel-trimmed top cut low enough to show almost all of my snow globes and a tinsel-trimmed skirt short enough to see my uterus aren't fucking "festive" enough for you, then I don't know what is.

Don't drink too much. Don't fall for this shit. It's a set-up. THE MAN came up with this so that he can a) have an open bar and look generous, AND b) save money on said open bar by guilting you into not getting wasted on his nickel. You've worked harder than a Christmas elf all year long for THE MAN's stingy ass--drink up! Hell, have another. Fuckit! Show up early and get the party started right! Then hit the dance floor and swing your candy cane around for all the corporate stiffs  and sober dicks to enjoy. And when you're puking in a potted plant at then end of the night, you can rest assured that, tonight, you fought THE MAN and you won.

Don't eat too much. The fuck??? Then why is there so much food, I'd like to know. You know how they're always saying, "'Tis the season"? Yeah, well, that means the season for gluttony, and I reckon you best get out the way before I run over you with my fourth plate in the buffet line, bitch. Unbelievable. You give them something nice to look at in your Ho Ho Ho outfit, and they won't even provide you a proper dinner? Unforgivable. Eat everything you can, then get doggy bags and bring those in for lunch all next week. Be conspicuous about it. That'll be the last time somebody tells your festive ass how much you can and can't eat. Damn.

Don't use this as an opportunity to pitch your "great idea" to the CEO. Worst professional advice I ever heard. How often do you even see the CEO during the year? That's what I thought. And tonight you're in the same room for the whole evening? Come on, snowflakes-fer-brains--get on over there and make your pitch! No, wait! First make sure you've visited the bar a few times. You want to seem confident and assured. DO NOT be intimidated. If you piss your pants, be sure it's not because you're scared, but because you told a sexist, racist joke AT THE TOP OF YOUR LUNGS and oh, my God, it was sooooooo funny, you guys!!!

Do make sure your date is on his/her best behavior. Yeahokayrightwhatever. I advise NEVER taking your spouse or significant other to these things--you see them all the time. BO. RING. Do me proud and take a stranger. Head on over to the mall, pick up Santa (or Mrs. Claus) after his shift is over, and then go to the office party. He's already dressed, he's probably already liquored up--HUZZAH!--and he's probably ready to hit the buffet line and then hit the dance floor! Don't miss an opportunity here. If your date ain't lookin' to swing his jingle bells around and trim your tree, you may as well stay ho-ho-home.

See you at the bar, bitches!