Hot Chocolate

Christmas kittens--

Have you destroyed the Christmas spirit around your house this season? Will you be doing your Christmas shopping at the 7-Eleven on Christmas Eve? Do gifts from you look as if they'd been wrapped by Helen Keller? Are you the embarrassment of your friends and family because you just can't resist the urge to wear one of those ridiculous effing Santa hats everywhere you go?

UGH. Time to redeem yourself, dipshit.

Apologize for cocking up the holiday season by making the best hot chocolate in the world for those who love you enough to overlook all your fuckery.

(I'm not about to tell you exactly how much milk or chocolate or marshmallow you should use, so I hope you're not looking for exact measurements. Figure it out. Sheesh, this is why no one likes you.)

Hot chocolate, done right:

Put your milk in a pan. Add a splash of heavy cream per serving*. Whisk over medium/medium-high heat just until bubbles start to form around the edges. Turn off heat.

Add chocolate. Use chocolate chips or shaved chocolate off the bar or a pulverized chocolate Santa or coins of Hannukah Geld--you get the point. I like about a small handful per cup, but kids like about 10 times that, so what do I know? Whisk until melted. Use an immersion blender, smoothie maker, or regular blender to blend until frothy, 10-20 seconds.*

Put marshmallows in bottom of cup. Pour hot chocolate over marshmallows.

Enjoy. Plot what you will do to redeem yourself the next time you fuck up the holidays, cuz you know you totally will.

Notes:
*Adding a splash of cream and using an immersion blender, smoothie maker, or regular blender aren't absolutely imperative, but they will most certainly take your hot chocolate from delicious to orgasmic. It's Christmas. Give somebody an orgasm, you stingy piece. (If you don't have an immersion blender, etc,. just whisk as fast as you can until your masturbation arm falls off.)

Feel free to incorporate any variations you see fit. A big ol' spoonful of peanut butter added with the chocolate makes you think you're drinking a peanut butter cup. A shot of peppermint schnapps will have you giggling like a schoolgirl with every sip. And a shot of Kahlua or plain ol' coffee will put the pierced, pretentious Starbucks fucks out of business.

Also, clean up after yourself. And when you do, be mindful of the dog. If you put the pan in the dishwasher and turn around for even one second, she will start licking anything that drips from it, even as chocolate continues to drip on her head: